Monday, October 22, 2012

ME

     There are the brilliant, book-smart type (or those who wish to be) quoting Sonnets, Philosophical mumbo jumbo and the writings of famous authors who complicate their words without making sense of them to those of us who speak Modernism.  And then there's me.  I'm moved by the words to a great Country song, the quotes to a movie full of humor and (a little) romance, the authors of Shopaholic and In Her Shoes and the Fabulous (yet fictional) Carrie Bradshaw.  I may be a simple girl, but I have a lot of heart and, in the eyes of many, unnecessary knowledge or little knowledge of importance to those who speak at me instead of to me.  I won't pretend to be something or someone I'm not.  I contemplated quitting this blog numerous times over my break from writing.  I was tired of trying to be a people pleaser and saying the things I'm supposed to say, doing the things I'm supposed to do and being a person I don't even recognize some of the time.  The few instances I've dared to speak my mind (or even have a mind of my own) I've been scorned and hit with rigorous backlash by those who feel I need correcting or who wrongly assume they know me better than I know myself.  Do I just give up and walk away or do I speak my mind and assume the risks?         
     This weekend a friend and I escaped to our College town.  For myself it had been 13 years since I spent time there with friends, walking the streets and campus, going back to some familiar places and familiar people and just remembering.  Remembering the girl I was and reflecting on the woman I've become, but as it turns out I, surprisingly, haven't changed that much at all (with the exception of the husband, kids and mortgage).  I suddenly remembered what it felt like to be safe.  My life, my words and my thoughts were my own-in a place surrounded by mostly strangers and a few friends who care for me in spite of myself- I was free.  This thought became more of a reality as my friend and I visited one of our old bars, a bar that used to be one of our favorite hangout bars turned into a gay bar with a Drag Show.  I knew the thoughts running through the minds of those with a judgmental tendency the second I posted it on Facebook.  For me, this was a risk and my first move at assuming the risks.  Ironically, I was the first person to become part of the show as I was spotted by the host Drag Queen.  I laughed a lot that night and I was welcomed into a world that was not my own.  I was respected and treated lovingly (when they weren't making fun of me for looking like a "Housebitch from St. Louis") and, more importantly, without worry of being approached by an unfamiliar straight guy looking for a hook-up.  
     I love being a Mom and a wife, I take my blessings and responsibilities very seriously, however, I'm more than this.  I'm the girl who likes to have fun, who reads trashy tabloids and Chick Lit. before going to bed every night, I drink red wine because it's my favorite drink and I deserve it after a long day of being a Mom, I wear Mini skirts and high heels and will continue to do so until I'm 90.  I like to be daring and bold and say whatever I want to say without retribution.  I write for therapy and as a way to force myself to be brutally honest.  I Love those, who deserve my love, with all my heart.  I'm not afraid to stand up for what I believe in and defend it, even if I'm standing alone.  My best friends are those who accept me for who I am despite our differences and the distance between us, requiring the necessary maintenance of  our relationship with texts and facebooking.  I don't fit into the neat, tidy little packaging that I'm intended to, I couldn't possibly be that boring.  Although this is just the tip of the Jen iceberg, this is MY iceberg and I'm happy here.  So I will continue to write, as fearless as I can, but know that I will write as ME!  I'm beginning to learn a lot about myself and see things in a different light through my relationships and those that I cherish most.  To quote one of my favorite "writers", the great Carrie Bradshaw:
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships.  There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.  But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.  And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."                     

2 comments:

Heather said...

Hi I'm Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! LifesABanquet1(at)gmail.com

Noel Bressler said...

A woman after my own heart! I love love love miss bradshaw and her enviable closet...saw your blog title and knew I had to check it out. Plan to add more posts? I was all about following it but noticed you havent posted since October...

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